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– By Dennis R. Tesdell
Shyness has many definitions, among which are bashful, wary, easily frightened, and timid. There are many degrees of shyness, and some people are only shy in special situations or circumstances. One of the most common places where people feel shy or timid is in a social setting. The following are some ways people having this problem can turn things around and even get over their shyness. It takes practice and determination, but for most people who conquer social shyness, it is well worth the effort.
1. If going into a new situation, rehearse what you will say to the new person or group of people. This will help you be more relaxed when the event comes.
2. Monitor your "self talk" which is negative. Saying to yourself "This will be scary, " "I will be nervous as always," etc. will do nothing but *reinforce* that in your mind. Control your self-talk and replace the negative statements or thoughts with "positives." Your mind can be programmed to act as your best ally or as your worst enemy. You are in control of your thoughts. Practice positive thinking and it will make a world of difference.
3. Learn to expect some rejections with people and not take them personally. People can "reject" you for many reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you! It is not pleasant to be rejected socially. If it bothers you, allow yourself to feel upset for a short time and then "let it go." Many others will accept you.
4. If you are trying to start a conversation, ask questïons which are a bit personal and cannot just be answered in one or two words. Other people love to talk about themselves and their projects.
5. Use good body language when talking or listening. This includes good eye contact. You can always look at other parts of the person's face besides their eyes. They can't tell the difference usually if you shift your gaze a bit. Smile and use other kinds of facial expressions to show your interest. Remember of course not to convey more interest in the person than you want. Eye contact can mean casual interest, intense friendly or business interest, or mild to intense romantic interest. Keep
that in mind!
6. Listen to the other person, then repeat (often called "reflecting") back to them the feelings you heard. Don't be a "parrot" and spit the words back verbatim. Add your own feelings about what was said, not necessarily your own opinions or ideas.
7. Practice your social skills in small steps. Set a goal to do a few things that are new or difficult for you, in a day or a week. Accept the fact that at first you will feel some nervousness. This is natural. Tell yourself it is nothing that will harm you and that what you are doing will become easier and easier each time. If you feel you are taking too large a step, back off a little and go more slowly. If you are consistent and add to your goals and successes weekly, you will reach your goals and find a "new you" when it comes to social skills.
About the Author:
Dennis R. Tesdell is a personal development and self-care coach with over 20 years of experience working with personal growth and self-development issues.
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