– Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D., and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D.
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There is no relationship quite like that of friendship. Not so irrational as love yet far more intense than acquaintance, friendship is perhaps the least understood of human interactions.
Actual knowledge about friendship continues to be sketchy at best. Yet some popular wisdom is useful in examining the bond between friends:
* Friends have some interests in common.
* Friends share an on-going relationship, with periodic (although not necessarily regular) contact.
* Friends trust one another, at least to some extent, with information, monëy, safety and other relationships.
* Friends can say "no" to each other and still remain friends.
* Friends can see, and accept, the worst in each other.
* Friends rarely feel they "owe" each other anything; give and take is without obligatïon between them (perhaps with some limits!).
* Friendship is also characterized by understanding, communication, acceptance, lack of embarrassment, trust.
Friendship is held within us, an attitude toward another person much like love, anger or prejudice. It requires no regular outward expression. It requires merely a feeling of commitment to the relationship.
Often such a feeling is supported by the belief that the other person cares about you, that the other values the relationship as well. If we believe that we are important to each other--important enough that we think of each other warmly nöw and again-- we will likely remain friends, even if we don't see each other for years.
We suggest that if you act assertively most of the time, you are more likely to have satisfying relationships than if you act in nonassertive or aggressive ways. We offer these assertive skills when developing a friendship:
* Take the risks necessary to build an acquaintance into a friend.
* Allow yourself to be seen as you are by your friend.
* Share something of yourself you would not ordinarily tell someone else.
* Be spontaneous with your new friend, suggest an activity on the spur of the moment, really listen to what is important in your friend's life.
* Ask your friend's advice with a problem or help with a project (remembering that an assertive friend can say "no" and still like you!).
* Simply tell the person you like him/her.
* Clear the air between you; if you are annoyed or suspect that your friend may be, bring it up.
* Get honest. Don't let assumptions define your relationship. If the relationship can't handle it, it probably would not have lasted anyway. If it can, you'll be miles ahead!
About the Author:
Adapted from "Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships," by Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D., and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D. Available at online and local bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, http://www.bibliotherapy.com or phöne 1-800-246-7228
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